Truths about "24′s" Jack Bauer (by Jim)

Tonight’s the night – the start of season 6 of “24.” Sara and I are pumped. Maybe this will get you in the mood…

Basic Truths About Jack Bauer (a condensed and edited version of this list)

• Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.

• If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.

• If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.

• Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

• If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then you better believe it’s beef.

• Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

• 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

• Let’s get one thing straight: the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

• Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

• Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

• When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

• Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

• Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

• Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

• Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

• When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

• Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

• Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.

• Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn’t a big deal.

• Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

• When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

• You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

• Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.

• When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer

• Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie “Dodgeball.”

• In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

• What color is Jack Bauer’s blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

• If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

• People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

• Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That’s why there’s no life on Mars.

• Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

• When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.

• Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.